I belong to a spiritual group that goes through cycles of healing.. We are now in the Cycle of Descent.. As a project I have created for myself I am re-reading my old journals.. I have been keeping journals since 1999.. And reading through them I have discovered that in the past 15 years I haven’t really changed.. I have the same doubts and fears.. It makes me sad that I haven’t evolved in 15 years.. I am still overeating and can’t seem to control my weight.. I am still looking for that special someone to come into my life and I am still making negative comments about others.. It got me to thinking that something has to change.. Although I am not over the hill by any means, and in reasonably good health for someone my age.. I am 63.. I know that my years on this earth are getting less and less each year.. I figure I have at least 20 good years left.. 🙂 So what do I want to do about this.. I certainly don’t want to stay the same as I am.. I worry too much about what people will think of me.. I worry too much that I will die alone.. I worry too much that I will die of a heart attack from my overeating and that no-one will find me for weeks..I can’t seem to stick with anything..Each week I start off by eating healthy and then by Tuesday I am back to my old habits.. I am full of excuses and know them all.. I walk to work each morning and back home each night.. It is about a 20 minute walk each way.. I often take lunch to work, but still get something off the coffee truck. On my walk to work each morning I have my daily talk with the Goddess.. Resolving to be good, to be kind and loving to my coworkers and to customers. I promise to not overeat.. I don’t like myself too much.. So something has to change.. I want to be at peace for the waning years of my life.. I want to just be happy.. instead of obsessing about things too much, but at the same time making changes.. Does that make sense??
Thanks for listening..