So today was a great experience. Well actually it was yesterday but I didn’t get a chance to write about it. So as a background I suck at finances. I have five credit cards and have gotten quite a hefty balance.. So I decided this year, starting in April, I was going to get my financial house in order.. I listed all my credit card balances in the order or smallest to largest. I have been putting all extra money each pay towards the one card, with minimum payments on the others. I made the final payment on card number one on Friday.. It’s hard to describe what a wonderful feeling that was. I cut it up and taped it into my journal..
Just wanted to share..
Thanks for listening….
Well now.. Not sure where to begin.. I was having trouble sleeping last night.. Not sure why.. And all sorts of ideas came into my head about things to jot down.. So here I am. Of course I drifted back to sleep after these thoughts appeared and have lost most of them.. The only one that sticks out is my disappointment with men.. I know they are not all bad. I know some very nice, kind, gentle men.. The good ones are all taken.. I am trying to take the attitude that I am okay alone, that someone will come along, if it’s meant to be it will happen..
I have placed, over the years, quite a few ads on the infamous Plenty of Fish dating site.. My last ad stated that I wanted a relationship but didn’t want the sexual part.. I got a reply from someone, who like me, was Pagan, admonishing me for not being sexually liberated because I was Pagan.. That I should embrace it and welcome it into my life.. He then went on to ask what man had soured me so much that I didn’t want “it” anymore.. Nothing to do with my religion, race, age, etc. I just don’t care for it.. I just read a term that describes me and my views on relationships.. I am ASEXUAL.. Someone who wants everything in a relationship except for the sex part..
I also heard from a few men in the states saying they would move up here, buy me a house and we could live happily ever after.. I think they are just planning ahead if Trump is elected president and they want to move to Canada.. 🙂 So I have quit Plenty of Fish, once again.. Perhaps I can find a website for asexual people..
Thanks for reading..
About a month ago I joined Jenny Craig.. I really felt that if I was given the food to eat and didn’t have to worry preparing things and calories and such, that the pounds would drop off and I would get to a healthier weight.. I wish I could take the credit for the term “craiging it” but it was one of my co-workers, I thought it was a cute phrase.
Anyway I knew it was going to be expensive but yikes.. My first week included the registration fee and a prepaid monthly amount plus the food.. That came to $400.. I couldn’t really afford it but hey, this is my health we are talking about.. I had to do something.. Since I am what they call a lazy cook the idea of having something prepared for me and all I had to do was pop it into the microwave appealed to me..
The food was okay, nothing spectacular.. So after being on the diet for a week I went for my weekly weigh in and had lost 5 lbs.. woot woot.. And bought my second weeks worth of food. Yikes.. $157.00 .. but still I figured going into debt was worth it.. Right??
My second week I lost 3 lbs and yet another weeks supply of food at $157.00 To tell you the truth the food was not all that great.. the more I ate the more I realized that it was not very well made.. I did learn portion control so that was good. I became severely constipated and could only go the bathroom after taking a mild laxative.. Not not one to brag about my bathroom habits but I used to, before Jenny, go religiously every morning.. This caused my stomach to be very upset and I felt headachy and blah.. I was told by the JC counsellor to try drinking warm water.. I did.. I drank lots of water.. I bought a fit bit and started walking on my lunch hour at work.. nothing seemed to work.
So I started cutting down what I bought from them and incorporating my own food into my weekly plan.. Last week I only bought 4 dinner meals.. It still cost me $35.00.. that is $7.50 a meal.. I could do better.. So onto my search to find cheaper alternatives.. I went in search of premade suppers that were tasty and didn’t have a lot of sodium.. So this week I went to M&M Meats and got their single serving meals for $3.99 each.. And the portions are large so I should be able to eat half, with a salad and save the other half for the next supper. I still had to take some laxatives last night because I haven’t been to the bathroom in a week.. I have my weigh in today so will see what the scale says..
Yes eventually I will prepare everything myself.. I am on the right track.. I have home made oatmeal every morning for breakfast, a half a sandwich and vegetables or a salad for lunch and then one of my premade frozen meals for supper..
So on a scale of 1-10 I rate Jenny Craig a 6.. I learned portion control, my counsellor Melissa is very nice.. She is spiritual like me..:) and I enjoy being accountable and having my weekly weigh-ins.. The downside is the cost and also the lack of taste for most of the items..
Thanks for listening..
Every time one of my daughters or family member posts a picture of me on Facebook I cringe. I look ugly and terrible in the pictures.. I don’t like having my picture taken and so have very few pictures of myself “out there”.. So what has happened to plant the seed in my head that I am ugly. I look at pictures of myself and think holy shit.. what an ugly woman.. .. I could look much better if I took care of my appearance , if I wore makeup, if I lost some weight… My hair is a mixture of salt and pepper and a horrible brownish colour.. the remnants of a dye job from last year..
I keep telling myself that I don’t care.. that I shouldn’t care what others think.. I imagine all my family and friends looking at my pictures and saying “she is such a nice person” ” I wish she would take better care of herself”
But I guess I do care.. I should make the effort.. I really should. Do I feel I am not worthy. Do I feel the need to rebel against society who values what is on the outside more than what is on the inside..
I am always imagining others talking behind my back.. making fun of my appearance, all the while being nice to my face.. I think it is my insecurities that causes me to feel this way..
Well now I am rambling.. So will end this. Always good to put things down on paper, well okay at least put my thoughts to words and type them out..
Thanks for reading..
Does anyone else see the irony.. I am sitting at McDonalds, mowing down on a quarter pounder with cheese (no pickles or onions please), fries and a large diet coke.. And I am reading a book called “Mindful Eating”.. Well okay to be honest I just bought the book and just started reading it.. All about being conscious of what you eat, why you eat and what causes you to eat more than you should.. I know what I should and shouldn’t eat.. I know my portion sizes and what I should stay away from.
I just can’t seem to control myself.. I have these great plans.. I buy the books, I spend a week writing out menu plans and a shopping list.. Good for two days.. then wham something happens in my life that derails my best laid plans..
I am 64 now.. And starting to have joint pain, trouble sleeping and constant feelings of blah.. I know part of this is the natural aging process but I also know that some of it is my unhealthy lifestyle and the fact that I am about 50lbs overweight.. I used to walk a lot.. Back and forth to work.. about 25 minutes each way.. I bought a car and swore that I wouldn’t rely on it too much.. This was back in February.. I have yet to walk to work.. Always an excuse.. too hot, too cold, got up late, have stuff to do on my lunch hour or after work..
ohhhhhh the irony of it all..
Thanks for reading
So as mentioned in a previous post I was going on a solo Caribbean Cruise.. Well I went!! For the most part I had a good time.. Lots of me time.. Got lots of reading and relaxing done.. and ate way too much!! Had a good time on the shore excursions. I got to do my zip lining.. It was exciting.. I didn’t scream or close my eyes once.. I did find myself, however, getting a bit lonely.. There were meet ups for solo travellers but I didn’t attend.. I am a bit shy and find it hard to interact with others, unless they initiate contact.. Gee what if I went and just sat there and nobody came over to say hi.. So I spent the entire cruise by myself..
So I don’t think I will be taking anymore solo vacations.. So lots of trips coming up.. Two planned and one in the planning stages.. In April of 2016 I am taking one of my granddaughters, Haily, to Disneyworld. My brother and sister in law are driving down to Florida (from Ontario, Canada) and they are spending one night in Disney before leaving on their cruise.. So they offered to drive me.. I haven’t been to Disney in three years, so very excited.. Then in January of 2017 I am going on another Caribbean Cruise with two more of my granddaughters, Nola and Kira.. My oldest daughter wants to visit Cuba and go on a cruise so I found a cruise that leaves from Havana.. A smaller cruise ship than I have been on, but that may be better..
I will have most of the money saved for these trips with my TFSA and my Savings.. I hate to put too much on my credit card but think I will be okay.. I am planning on retiring in 2-3 years and certainly won’t be able to visit many exotic places then..
So what the heck.. I’m going for it.. travel in the next couple of years and visit everywhere I have always wanted to visit..
thanks for reading….
I belong to a spiritual group that goes through cycles of healing.. We are now in the Cycle of Descent.. As a project I have created for myself I am re-reading my old journals.. I have been keeping journals since 1999.. And reading through them I have discovered that in the past 15 years I haven’t really changed.. I have the same doubts and fears.. It makes me sad that I haven’t evolved in 15 years.. I am still overeating and can’t seem to control my weight.. I am still looking for that special someone to come into my life and I am still making negative comments about others.. It got me to thinking that something has to change.. Although I am not over the hill by any means, and in reasonably good health for someone my age.. I am 63.. I know that my years on this earth are getting less and less each year.. I figure I have at least 20 good years left.. 🙂 So what do I want to do about this.. I certainly don’t want to stay the same as I am.. I worry too much about what people will think of me.. I worry too much that I will die alone.. I worry too much that I will die of a heart attack from my overeating and that no-one will find me for weeks..I can’t seem to stick with anything..Each week I start off by eating healthy and then by Tuesday I am back to my old habits.. I am full of excuses and know them all.. I walk to work each morning and back home each night.. It is about a 20 minute walk each way.. I often take lunch to work, but still get something off the coffee truck. On my walk to work each morning I have my daily talk with the Goddess.. Resolving to be good, to be kind and loving to my coworkers and to customers. I promise to not overeat.. I don’t like myself too much.. So something has to change.. I want to be at peace for the waning years of my life.. I want to just be happy.. instead of obsessing about things too much, but at the same time making changes.. Does that make sense??
Thanks for listening..
In less that two weeks I am going on my cruise.. A lot excited and a little bit nervous.. This time I am cruising solo.. Yep…all by myself.. I am tired of going on vacation and catering to everyone else and not getting to do the things that I want to do.. On the cruise ship I am going on, there are special solo cabins with a solo lounge.. So I am hoping to hook up with other single travellers and perhaps get together for dinner and go on some excursions at the Ports of Call..
I am also going zip lining in St. Thomas.. I have always wanted to go zip lining.. Another thing to cross off my bucket list.. It looks exciting and scary..
I will regale you with my adventures when I get back..
Thanks for reading..
(originally written January 2015)
I retired in March of 2012 and went up to Northern Ontario to live with my daughter and her family.. I enjoyed being with the family for the most part.. But the isolation that I felt up there and the fact that my future son-in-law thought because I was Wiccan that I was in league with the devil, led me back to Southern Ontario.
Most of my friends live in London, Ontario.. but I settled in Woodstock with my brother, sister in law and nephew.. In exchange for room and board I walk my nephew to school and back two days a week.. I also look after him on weekends when they work.. and cook most of the meals..
My brother and sister in law accept my beliefs so I have no prejudice from them.. I have a small bedroom and that is all.. It houses a bed, two night stands, a dresser and a tv stand and tv and that is about all the room there is… Not a lot of room to do ritual or any other magickal workings.. but I’m not complaining.. I have a place to live and food to eat and a good and loving family and lots of wonderful witchy friends.
It is winter here now and cold and snowy.. So I think that contributes a lot to my feeling lost and unable to do the things I want to do magically.. Most of my stuff is still up North, at my daughters.. I just haven’t had the opportunity to retrieve it yet.. So I have set up my altar on top of my dresser, not the ideal place, but better than nothing..
I am looking forward to the nicer weather when I can be outside…I feel most at home in nature and love to go on hikes and sit and meditate.. I have not yet figured out what I want to do regarding the rest of my life.. I will probably go back to work and save up again and retire at 65.. But for now I am content where I am..
Life throws many obstacles in our paths.. I have overcome most of them.. I have a few things I still have to work on..
thanks for reading….
My Constant Wind
I hear the wind outside
Like the Siren’s wail
It gives me comfort and seems
To sense my sadness
On this late winter’s night
Talking to me and telling me
That all will be okay…
It is a part of my soul
And follows me constantly
On my journey
To find my inner self
That dark part of me that I keep hidden
Because I am ashamed
But my Constant Wind
Whispers in my head
That all is well….